I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.” (Get it? It spells assume. With the a-s-s and then the u…ok, you get it.)

One of the hardest parts of splitting up with someone is the stories that accompany it and the assumptions people make. We’ve all been there- either in the relationship that ended or outside of that relationship. People hear things, say things, and believe things. And when it gets back to you, it hurts.

Now, there are different tiers of outsiders to the romantic relationships we have. We have our acquaintances, colleagues, and those we interact with mostly on a social level. What they say or assume may hurt a bit, but I’m not really talking about them. I’m talking about the people that you were closest with while you were in your relationship, and now, some of them may have a completely different view on your character because of assumptions.

I unfortunately learned about this the hard way. And you probably think I’m going to tell you the story of what I have heard being said about me. But no. I wanted to write about when I really failed at being a friend by making my own assumptions.

About four years ago, my friend Jack got married. I was actually in the wedding. They had a daughter shortly after, and they then moved out of the state. If you know me, you know I’m terrible at the phone. Therefore, I’m pretty terrible at keeping in touch. Luckily, I have a lot of friends that are the same way, and we pick up just where we left off. Anyway, I digress. Point is, we didn’t talk much after he moved.

About a year after Jack moved away, I heard from a mutual friend that he was getting a divorce. Not only was he getting a divorce, but he had left his wife and daughter and moved about 8 hours away.

I was disappointed. I was angry. ‘How could he do this? That jerk. What the hell was he thinking? Leaving his wife and daughter like that. Dick.’

I didn’t hear from him, so I assumed this was all true, and I assumed he wasn’t talking to me because he was ashamed to tell me what he had done.

About a year later, Jack reached out to me after a very long time of silence. Ironically enough, he reached out right when things in my own marriage were getting to their worst. I told him what I was going through. He then told me his own story.

He had been cheated on. Yes, he did move, but he had his reasons. The important thing now is that he was currently on the way to moving back to be closer to his daughter.

A few months after I split up with my ex, Jack came to visit. We talked and talked and talked. And I finally got the opportunity to apologize.

Well, not only did I learn how important communication is from Jack, but I learned how important forgiveness is as well. My apology was followed by a big hug from Jack. “Please, don’t worry. I know how it is. I forgive you, and you know I still love you.” I was shocked.

With it now being over a year since my split, I get it. When you’re first going through all of this, your head is spinning. You’re thinking, ‘God, what do they think? What is she saying? I haven’t heard from her. Oh God, does he think this was all my fault? I loved them, and I’ll never speak to them again. They probably hate me.’ But after a while, you come to peace with it, and you forgive. Because again. We’ve all been there. And honestly, it’s hard on both ends. Look how long it took for me to talk to Jack. And I was in his wedding for God’s sake.

I wanted to share my story about Jack because I learned the following:

If you hear something about someone close to you, just ask them what’s going on. I don’t think any close friend minds you checking in or clarifying something you heard. They’ll probably appreciate it more than you know. Wouldn’t you?

If you are on the other side, and you haven’t heard from someone, don’t assume they’re not thinking of you. They’re probably in a hard position too. Look forward. Move ahead. And I can bet that if your friendship is a true friendship, you’ll be able to someday reconnect. And when you do, embrace them, and tell them you forgive them.

And let’s be brutally honest here, there are probably people you were close to that you just may never hear from again. You may never talk to them again. I have some of those, and it’s still hard to think about. But if they know me, if they truly know me, then they know I tried my hardest. And hopefully they know, even through the silence, I still appreciate their presence in my life, even if it may be over. And I will always love them.

But if you’re reading this, and you are in a position where you are still feeling down about what you think others are saying, assuming, or gossiping about, I leave it to Mr. Steve Jobs and these wise words:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma- which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”